How comfortable are you with conflict? I'm not talking about violent confrontations or yelling matches. I'm talking about disagreements where the other person might be unhappy, angry, or disappointed. Do disagreements make you uncomfortable?
Assessing Your Comfort with Conflict
- Is it hard to say 'no' when someone you care about asks you for something?
- Do you tend to prioritize other people, becoming overcommitted and putting your priorities on the back burner?
- When people around you are upset, does it make you feel like you've done something wrong or like you need to fix it?
- Do you find asking for what you need uncomfortable or nearly impossible, defaulting to doing everything yourself?
If you’ve been nodding along to these questions, then keep reading. What I’m about to share could change your life if you internalize it.
Understanding People-Pleasing and Conflict Avoidance
Not being okay with conflict often leads to people-pleasing behaviors—"going along to get along." If you avoid conflicts, you end up in conflict with yourself. Yes, you.
I've been through this myself and have helped clients who are huge givers. These individuals show up for others in amazing ways but often feel unsupported and alone. They know they're capable of more but can't figure out how to fully step into their potential.
This internal conflict is exhausting and makes it hard to create something big, step into what's next, or live the life you've always wanted. Does this resonate with you?
Traditional Solutions and Why They Fall Short
- Help others in need, and you'll feel better.
- Everyone feels that way from time to time. You'll get over it.
- It doesn't matter how you feel. You have a job to do.
- Focus on the positive.
- Keep a gratitude journal.
- Practice mindfulness and breathwork.
While helpful, these solutions don’t fully address the problem of conflict avoidance. They don't solve the core issue. Let's take a deeper look.
The Root of the Problem
Imagine a five-year-old in a grocery store throwing a temper tantrum. The parent, socially conditioned not to make others uncomfortable, tells the child to stop. The child learns that their emotions are not okay. This is called emotional invalidation, leading to a lifelong struggle of looking outside oneself for validation.
Breaking the Cycle
To become comfortable with conflict, you need to start trusting yourself again. Instead of referencing the external to know if you're okay, start asking yourself:
- Am I okay?
- What do I need?
- What's going on inside of me right now?
Just because you've taken care of others doesn't mean they'll fall apart if you take care of yourself. They might have to become more resourceful, which is a good thing.
Practical Steps to Overcome Conflict Avoidance
- Stop referencing the external and begin referencing the internal to gauge your well-being.
- Ask for what you want, even if it leads to a disagreement.
- Become comfortable with others' necessary discomfort while maintaining your stance.
- Learn to say 'no'. I used ChatGPT to come up with 25 ways to say 'no' because I had said it so rarely before.
Here's How This Enables You To Step Into Your Full Potential...
Saying 'no' reduces commitments, allowing you to put your agenda first.
When you can put your agenda first, life becomes easier, your goals more achievable, and your happiness less dependent on others.
Side benefit: less resentment.
Conclusion
Becoming comfortable with conflict isn't just about navigating disagreements or doing assertiveness training; it's about reclaiming your power by re-orienting your reference system and prioritizing your well-being. Leaders, founders, business owners, CEOs, executives, and high-achievers—this message is for you.
It's time to start trusting yourself. It's time to start saying 'no' to requests that conflict with your agenda. It's time to make space on your calendar to do the things you need to do to step into your full potential. Don't just read this and move on. Take action. Begin your journey to becoming comfortable with conflict today.